Journal | I.

[niklaus_mikaelson]

             Fyodor Dostoevsky once said, "We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken."

 

             That is how it was when I met Caroline Forbes, a year or so ago. I thought that she was magnificent, so full of life, captivating even and so, so beautiful. She was the kind of woman I tried to capture in my drawings, and the soul that which inspired me. I had met many women over the course of my life but she was the one I knew that I could not let slip away.

 

             However, I have also failed her countless times, more than I care to admit to but even after the tragic death of one Mayor Lockwood at my very hands, she could not keep away. For a short time we conversed via messages through our cell phones (oh, the gift of technology) and she said a few things which stood out to me, even while she was vehemently denying that there was anything at all between us.

 

Message the first: Maybe I see something in you worth saving.

Message the second: You have a lot of good qualities that I would hate to see go to waste.

 

             So, you see, I am not alone in my feelings; perhaps hers are not as deeply rooted as my own are [for her] but there is something there. Caroline must feel something or else she would not have said those things to me. I believe that she is afraid of what stands between her and I: what her friends and family may think of us being together, the possibility of isolation if she were to admit she has feelings (love) for a murderer, as Mystic Falls must now view me. I have always lived without regret but I fear that if I simply give up and walk away as she seems to wish, that I will be regretting that action for eternity.

 

             I love her. I know that I could make her very happy and give her the life that she deserves, however, I have not done a thing to give her reason to trust me and I realize this. I could promise her the moon, the stars, but if she cannot trust me then I have no ground. I have nothing but need and these very words, and she carries nothing but fear and distrust for me... And strangely so, that bothers me. She should trust me. She should trust that I would never hurt her or the ones she loses. My own tumultuous relationship with my siblings is quite different and yet I am afraid she fears I may do to her what I did to them. That one day she me anger me enough that my target for murder would be her.

 

             If you want the truth, I could not dagger her even if it meant saving my own life. Even if it meant saving all of humanity, I could not do to her what I have done to my own family. I would protect Caroline’s life as if it were my very own. Perhaps that is what love truly is. If only she would take down the walls she has built up around herself, let go of her stubborn nature and give me a moment to explain, though whether I deserve that now remains to be seen. I reckon, only time will tell...